The Chicken
by Sandra Phillips
Summary: Akatsuki has a Christmas party. Dirty Konan, drunk Kisame, flirty Sasori, sad Zetsu... wait a minute, is Kazuzu a girl? And why is Itachi passed out? Crackfic!


"Deidara-senpai, Deidara-senpai! Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Diedara regarded Tobi with a stare overflowing with murderous intent. "To peck the eye out of a certain masked kid with self-control issues?"

"No! To go to your house!" Tobi burst into quiet snickers and strode away, leaving Deidara with a fistful of crumbs that had once been an artfully – well, not really, it didn't explode – shaped cookie. Across the room, by the small, crooked, and rather bare pine tree, Itachi and Kisame regarded the situation at hand.

"Has Pein ever held a Christmas party before?" Itachi asked neutrally.

"Not that I can recall," Kisame replied, staring into his cup of punch with a mixed expression of surprise and amusement. "And shouldn't he be here?"

"Strategically, it makes sense for him not to show his f-"

"Fucker, inviting us all and then not showing up. And where's Konan? I wanted to dance! Damn it, he's probably hogging her all to himself!" Hidan waltzed up to the duo with a cup of punch in one hand and an open and half-drunk bottle of brandy in the other. He looked at the (as per usual) sober pair consideringly, then raised the alcohol and one eyebrow invitingly. "Want some?"

"No."

Kisame shrugged. "Hey, why not? It's Christmas."

"That's the spirit, dammit!" Hidan wrapped an arm around Kisame's shoulders and dumped an unnecessary amount of brandy into his cup joyfully. He started walking away, dragged Kisame with him. He looked over his shoulder and called, "Hey, Itachi! I'm taking Kisame to sing karaoke with me! You should come along!"

"Maybe later," Itachi drawled. He had a moment of peace to sip at his drink before Kazuzu came up.

"Itachi," he said, by way of greeting.

"Kazuzu," Itachi replied, by way of saying _I don't want to talk to you right now._

"Ah, come on man! You're not still mad at me, are you?"

"Go away, Kazuzu."

"That was like, weeks ago!"

"It doesn't matter if it was weeks, minutes, or years ago, the fact remains that you spilled my nail polish."

"Dude, I gave you money. I said I was sorry like six times!"

Itachi grabbed Kazuzu by the collar and lifted him several inches off the ground (Itachi is the only known person ever to have been able to perform this feat – that, and the only one to actually attempt it. To add to the list, he is the only person ever to have done so with a full glass of punch in his other hand.) "So? I still had to go into town to buy a new bottle. And the town has people. And I _hate_ people. Especially annoying, blonde beauty parlor managers who look at you the whole time you're in their store like they're trying to decide whether to ask you on a date or call the police on you. Not to mention I had to get the black stain out of my carpet. It was new carpet too - sea-foam green! Ever seen sea-foam green, Kazuzu? It's a beautiful color. Raped by your stupid mistake and my otherwise-innocent black nail polish that then had to be slaved over for hours! Let me tell you something, Kazuzu, _not_ pleasant! _NOT! PLEASANT!_"

"Okay, okay!" Kazuzu choked. "I get it, I owe you!"

Itachi released him. "You do."

Kazuzu rubbed his throat for a minute, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a peace offering. "Cookie?" he asked innocently.

"Don't mind if I do." Itachi bit the reindeer's head off with relish, apparently deciding to forgive the criminal for the time being, and enjoy the sugar. Kazuzu, feeling the danger level lower to a normal level, decided it was a good time to make a clean getaway.

"Uh, I'm going to go check out Hidan," he muttered vaguely. "Maybe sing some karaoke, I'm a killer at 'Don't Stop Believin'…" He nonchalantly inched away. A moment later, strains of electric guitar music could be heard drifting from the other room, along with a surprisingly smooth voice that hit the high notes with apparent ease. That's odd, he thought it was Kazuzu singing, not some girl.

"Is that… Kazuzu?" Deidara asked, obviously thinking along similar lines.

Itachi shrugged. "I don't know." He listened more closely, and his brow furrowed. "Wait a minute, is that… _Justin Beiber?"_

Deidara grabbed a clay-covered camera (the clay really had no purpose, it just comforted him to have everything covered in it) and ran into the other room, switching the mode to 'record.'

At that time, Pein decided to appear in the room with Konan at his side. He looked around, noting the paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, the table decorated with a simple red tablecloth and adorned with plates of cookies, the scraggly tree, and Itachi.

Itachi nodded and raised his glass solemnly.

"Where is everybody?" Pein asked.

"In the other room. Hidan, Kisame, and Kazuzu are singing Karaoke, and the others are either lounging, throwing threats and weapons, videotaping the whole shinanigans or dancing. Actually, I think the only one dancing is Sasori, and that's only because he managed to get his hands on a really _sexy_ puppet-"

"I just asked where they were, not what they were doing," Pein interrupted. He started walking, Konan following like an obedient shadow (as opposed to an obstinate one, which are known to plague people, especially ninjas). He stopped and turned back to Itachi. "Why aren't you in there?"

"The cookies are out here," he pointed out calmly.

"True." Pein considered his point. "Maybe it would be best to stay in this room…."

Itachi nodded, accepting that his reasoning was, as usual, correct.

"I'm going to the other room," Konan said suddenly, making the men turn to her in surprise. She noticed and put her hands on her hips. "What? That's where the life of the party is."

"Watch it, Hidan said he wanted to dance with you," Itachi warned. He took a sip of punch.

"So?"

Itachi made a choking noise. He swallowed and recovered some of his dignity, his voice disbelieving as he replied, "So, he's drunk as a door and determined to make everyone else worse." He rolled his eyes. "Honestly, I think he just wants some hangover buddies."

Konan shrugged. "I'm game. Hidan can be fun when he's drunk. He doesn't swear as much."

Itachi and Pein looked at each other, then back at the only woman in their group. "And you would know this because…?" Pein inquired.

"A woman has her ways," Konan replied coyly. "Well, I'm off." She stalked to the other room, snatching a cookie on her way, and closed the door behind her.

Itachi and Pein looked at each other for a long second, then made a mad dash to the red table. Weapons and insults flew as the cookies were fought over like wild dogs over the kill, Konan and the random note of karaoke forgotten.

Twenty minutes later, Akatsuki was reassembled in the main room. Itachi and Pein were sprawled out on the floor with crumbs scattered around them, seriously injured from the other and both stomachs bloated. Konan sat on Hidan's lap on the couch, both seeming slightly disheveled as they took in their surroundings through red-rimmed eyes. The brandy bottle was empty at their feet. Kazuzu and Kisame stood against one wall, both cheeks flushed (they had managed to steal Hidan's liquor while he had been… occupied) and were laughing about jokes that were most likely not funny. Sasori and his new (sexy) puppet sat on the floor, the puppet's hand resting on the boy's knee. Tobi was kneeling by the Christmas tree, humming excitedly.

"Come on, guys, let's open presents!"

"Later…" Pein managed to groan.

"Later," Konan said huskily, staring at Hidan with a lusty stare.

"Later," Sasori agreed with a glance at his partner.

Itachi was silent, possibly passed out. Kazuzu and Kisame were too engrossed in each other to notice, leaning on each other as they nearly fell over from laughing. Diedara was in a corner, giggling quietly with headbuds stuffed in his ears as he rewatched Kazuzu singing. Tobi pouted.

"Zetsu?" he asked the air in front of him.

Zetsu peeled himself from nowhere (or was it somewhere? Anywhere?) "Sure. Is there one for me?"

"Of course there is," Tobi huffed. "Remember, we drew names last meeting?"

"Oh, right. So who was assigned for my present?"

Tobi procured a list from his cloak and ran his finger down the names. "Looks like… oh."

"What?"

"Sorry, Zetsu. Looks like you pulled Orochimaru."

"What? Why is he even on the list?"

"Because he still has his ring."

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Did someone say Orochimaru?" Itachi sat up from his cookie-induced-stupor with a growl. "Where is he, I'll kill him. Try and take my balls…."

"It was your eyes, Itachi," Tobi corrected cheerily.

"Right…." Itachi fell to his back again.

Tobi looked around at the group. "Doesn't anyone want to open presents? What else are you supposed to do at a Christmas party?"

"Eat. Too much." Pein groaned.

"Have a good time," Konan purred.

"Seconded!" Kazuzu yelled.

"Thirded-ed-ed-ed…." Kisame mumbled, leaning against the wall and sliding down it to sit on the floor. "Hehe, that sounds like 'dead'!"

Sasori said nothing. He was engaged in an animate conversation with his puppet. Zetsu was crying silently in a corner. Tobi, seeing nothing else to do, turned back to his favorite task – annoying Deidara. He stood up and walked up to the older, deceptively feminine man and bounced on his feet in front of him.

"Deidara-senpai, Deidara-sempai!"

The blonde ignored him, nodding his head to the music. The only sign that he knew Tobi was there was the knowing smirk on the corner of his lips. Tobi snatched the earphones and camera and held them away, causing Deidara to yelp and leap after them and rudely introduce his chest to Tobi's hand. He reached for this toys vainly. "Give that back, you Swirly bastar-"

"Diedara-senpai, knock knock!"

Diedara leaned back and crossed his arms. After a second he rolled his eyes and leveled a glare at Tobi. "Who's. There." He did his best to sound bored and pissed off at the same time.

"THE CHICKEN!"

* * *

A/N: Anybody get it? Anybody? Reward if you do.

Ah, yes. Writer's block. Somehow, crackficks are able to jump over that mental wall. Or dig under it. Or maybe just sprout wings and fly away from it. I don't know. Anyway, fun, random, inappropriate in several places. All you could want from a crackfick, right?

Please, leave a review if you smiled while reading this even once.


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